Why Men Like Porn

Most nights, after his wife, Kate, had gone to bed, Tom surfed the Internet for porn. Kate learned about this during their second session of couples therapy. Despite Tom's claims that his nocturnal habit had nothing to do with their love life, she worried he preferred porn to having sex with her.

That's a common reaction. "Often, one partner has a porn interest, and the other thinks that's a problem," says Russell Stambaugh, PhD, an Ann Arbor, Michigan-based psychologist and sex therapist. "It rarely is. The best studies suggest that only about 5% of porn users have a problem that interferes with their daily life."

That's good news, because a lot of people look at porn. According to the May 2004 Tracking Survey by the Pew Internet & American Life Project, 26% of male Internet users visited adult websites (only 3% of women went to these sites). In 2006, the porn industry raked in nearly 13 billion dollars.

Men and Pornography: The Evolutionary Link

For most women, there's no need to worry. Whatever may be drawing a man to porn, it's seldom a reflection on his partner, says sex therapist Lonnie Barbach, PhD, in practice in San Francisco. "Some women feel threatened because they don't think they're as sexy as a porn star," she says. "But it's not about what he's not getting at home. It's the novelty. It's a turn-on."

Still, the question remains: Why do so many men like looking at pictures of naked people? That's not an easy question to answer. Porn-induced arousal has been linked to many parts of the brain. One recent theory holds that mirror neurons, brain cells that fire when an action is performed as well as when it's observed, play an important role in male arousal. But knowing what's fired up by porn doesn't tell us why our brains get turned on.

Stambaugh points to evolution. Men's brains, he says, are hard-wired for easy arousal, so that men are ready for sex whenever opportunity knocks -- a propagation-of-the-species thing. With online porn so readily at hand, vicarious opportunities -- cue the mirror neurons -- are ever present.

Once Kate realized that porn was not her replacement and Tom felt less ashamed about his habit, the couple talked more easily about their sex life. And that led to sexy outfits and a little experimentation in the bedroom. The porn was never the problem, Stambaugh says. "More often, the problem is how you talk and how you reveal yourself to each other."

Exploring Pornography

Thinking you might be interested in seeing what porn is like? Follow these guidelines to make it a positive part of your relationship.

Ladies' choice. Couples who want to try viewing porn together face a huge variety of choices. Men are easy to please, so it's best to find out what she likes. If she likes it, it's probably good enough for him.

Safety first. Unsafe sex is common in porn. It shouldn't be in your bedroom.

Time and money. If you're spending too much of either on porn, it often reflects a larger problem, like marital difficulties or a job loss.

By Matt McMillen

Men Are More than Sex and Sleep: Understanding the 6 Male Emotional States

How often have you heard that when it comes to emotions, men are uncomplicated at best? The quest to understand men can be frustrating for women. You may have noticed that your spouse, boyfriend or partner seems to have limited interests – to put it nicely. Is there more on your man’s mind than the next time he’s going to get some?

The simple truth is that in general, men really are . . . well, simple! They have just six emotional states—no less, and no more. He’s not always thinking about sex, but it ranks right up there with food, sports, and sleep.

The good news for you ladies is that it’s not impossible to understand men after all. Once you know how your man thinks, you’re on your way to better communication, fewer arguments, and a stronger relationship. Here’s a quick overview of the six male states:

* Happy – This state is usually the result of anything that inflates his ego. You can spot a happy man by the way he smiles, converses well, and is kind to small animals. Don’t waste Happy on asking him to clean out the garage; this is the best time for both of you to have some fun!

* Hungry – When a man is in a Hungry state, nothing but food will do. Distracting him with something inedible won’t work. Also, don’t bother asking, “Are you hungry?” because the answer is always yes. It’s the degree of Hungry that is important. A ravenous man can quickly enter an angry state without food to calm him.

* Hurried – Focus is important to a man, and when he’s set on going somewhere or getting something done, he’s in a hurried state. This is not the best time to engage your man in conversation. The rule of communication for a hurried man is keep it to 25 words or less. He’ll remember what you said, and he’ll appreciate you for keeping it short.

* Horny – You knew this had to be one of them! When your man is Horny, he’s basically putty in your hands. He’ll promise anything if he thinks there is sex in the near future. You can improve your relationship dramatically if you’re kind and sympathetic to the Horny state – use it, but don’t abuse it.

* Angry – Most angry women can be talked out of it. Most angry men can’t. The most important thing to remember is that when he is Angry, it’s probably not about you. Give your Angry man some space to cool down, don’t try to snuggle or engage him in conversation (it won’t help), and don’t tell him to stop being angry. Instead, try to find out what he prefers when he’s angry some time during a happy state, and respect his methods of coping. You’ll avoid a lot of potential arguments.

* Tired – A Tired man is the opposite of a Hungry man. Whereas everything is urgent when he’s hungry, nothing is important when he’s tired . . . except sleep. Do not discuss important relationship matters or impending events with your tired man. He won’t remember, and it will only make you both upset.

There are a few important things you should remember about a man’s emotional state. Since he has only six, his emotions tend to be intense. He’s never a little hungry or a little tired. He’s starving, or he’s exhausted! To understand men, keep in mind that he doesn’t operate on small scales – it’s all or nothing.

Also, once you’ve practiced gauging your man’s emotional state, he will be more sensitive to yours. He will appreciate that you understand him, and he’ll try harder to please you. A little effort on both sides goes a long way in relationships, so don’t give up on trying communicating with your Pig – er, man!

By Michael Coogan

Beautiful and sensual Aitana Sánchez-Gijón